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I don't know if this makes me a spiritual person but I think about death and the afterlife a lot. I've had a dream that I fully believed I died and I was very upset. I was a ghost wishing my family could see me. Only my mom could. It was a very dark time when I had this dream, where I romantisized the only way I could ever stop stressing is thinking of the end. I can still remember the deep desperation of wanting my life back again.
a couple weeks back I was in a midstate sleep and just thinking to myself ".. I'm in my own fucking lane...". This in context to, IG, the art world on twitter, insta, etc. And if I can keep my ego in check, then I know that people have art accounts for many reasons: for a big following, for their comic to get popular, for profit, as a hobby while they're in school, for friends etc. I just... been feeling a little different lately and I think my new self has been settling inside me. And since I listed reasons why others may do this, here is mine: I just like to make romantic and dramatic scenes! Like effective, no one can deny this goes hard kinda content. Literally, for the lols. If I can make merch that would sell that's cool but I am not trying to monetize my work first. I just want to make good work. I do think there's something special about me. I have put out my own ideas and concepts for YEARS now on social media. I've gained a small traction of lovely online users (maybe 30-50 which is awesome) who want to see my story unfold. I've been WASTING TIME. WASTING POTENTIAL. I'm an artist for crying aloud. I've wrestled with the idea of not being that for years (and I'm done doubting it) but I am. And what do artists do? C'mon.
I've been struggling for a while now about all the sadness in the world. War, famine, capitalism. My doom and gloom is not based on my own self which is hard for others to understand. It's never about me. I feel sort of guilty that I was blessed with a good home, family, husband, friends. So guilty that I minimize my feelings of depression and anxiety cause I think about the genocide and poverty plauging this earth and hurting so many other humans. I am angry at the world leaders failing us and this earth for fucking money. I don't know why I break down in tears about the suffering of humans I have never met before but I could have loved if I did. I can't believe others don't have that sense of empathy.
Yesterday, my youtube video hopping had me discover dmt experiences/drug trips. It helped me think about spirituality and religion again. Now, I'm not saying I'll join a church... I have so many reasons why I can't get with religion and it just boils down to the church caring more of people following their rules and giving yourself to them. But I believe in community and supporting one another. Back to listening about the trips, a lot may ask who an entity is or if there is a god and the entity would generally respond with We are One. You are god and I am god and your mom/friend/sister is also god. God is within you and you are god. The human experience is so small when you think of the infinite timeline of everything. It is a drop of the ocean of existence.... and so what's the point of worrying and being sad? Enjoy this very short human life as best as you can. Be good to others because that duty of goodness will help you when you are done living. Reincarnation seems to be true, if you don't learn a certain lesson then perhaps the next life you will.
Certain things spoke to me and helped me piece together the question of Is all this suffering worth it? The human realm is a sort of type of hell. That is the reason for the senseless bloodshed, violence, misery. Killing someone will have consequences. To understand suffering. When your soul is done with the earth you won't remember it anymore.
Dreams and meditation can help you tap into the spiritual realm besides using psychedilacs. I'm trying to befriend my spirit guides. I'm trying to see beyond. And I may sound crazy spewing all this and it's okay. These are my revelations. I shouldn't try to convince anyone else what I think is the Point of all this.. and despite nothing mattering, I can still decide things that matter to me. I want to continue my work on loving my family and friends. Being there for them and also loving myself and trying to have fun times. I want to practice more meditation and start my dream journal because I always have the weirdest dreams that feel so real... you see how this comes full circle sometimes? huh haha! I needed these last few days truly. I need spirituality.
Part of me wants my own trip journey but I know right now it can't be the time. My bestfriend ever (my man) would be really frightened. We may have to work on a sort of trip somewhere with guides for that, not sure. It's not the point, I think. I don't have to experience it when reading all these accounts. I hope to have my own journey in a sober or dream state.